5 Reasons Your Love Life Seems Chaotic – And What You Can Do To Change It | Mitzi Bockman
Many of us subconsciously seek chaos in relationships. It seems counterintuitive because we think all we want is a healthy relationship — but we just can’t have one in the midst of chaos.
Until I got into a healthy relationship, I didn’t know that I was someone who thrived on chaos in relationships. Chaos was exciting and adrenaline-inducing and it kept things spicy, which I liked.
It also prevented me from finding happiness with another person.
Are you subconsciously looking for chaos in your relationship? Knowing the signs will help you know if you are and, if you wish, understand how to change it.
5 signs you’re subconsciously looking for chaos in your relationship
1. You’re good at ignoring red flags.
Are you one of those people who sees red flags and deliberately ignores them?
Do you see that your new person is still stuck with their ex or having trouble keeping a job or having a temper or trying to control you?
Are all your friends telling you these are red flags and you should run?
Are you ignoring everyone, because this person, despite their red flags, is horny?
When I was single and dating, I met a guy who was cute. He made me laugh. The sex was great. But I could see a few red flags right away. He drank too much. Someone he was engaged to is leaving. He did not speak to any of his neighbors. He had jumped from job to job.
I saw those red flags and ignored them. The sex was great and we had a great time together.
It didn’t take long for our relationship to descend into chaos.
We drank a lot together, which started out fun but usually ended badly. I noticed that his “friends” pushed him away and when he was around people he became loud and obnoxious, which made me disagreeable. He disappeared on Sundays, which to this day, for some reason, made me not trust him. His job was eating away at him, and the stress it brought was not making it fun.
We had a fight and had sex and I hated and loved him and eventually broke up with him and then reunited with him for the occasional frolic in the hay.
All of this has caused enormous chaos in my life – in my heart and in my head. And in his too. And yet, we could not leave each other.
I was addicted to our chaos. Unfortunately, this addiction kept me from finding the relationship I was really looking for. Getting away from him was what I had to do to find one.
2. You know how to walk away from relationships.
Are you one of those people who don’t last long in a relationship?
Do you meet someone, fall for it fast, get into an intense relationship and then run around screaming when the honeymoon phase ends?
I have a client who does this every time. She tends to meet the same kind of guys online, those who, like her, fall hard and fast. We have long conversations about how wonderful a certain person is and how they can see them lasting a lifetime.
And then, in a few months, something moves. Everything she loved about her boyfriend before is starting to irritate her. She pulls away from him and starts acting passive-aggressive. This confuses her guy and he gets clingy. This pushes her further away and they begin to fight. Things go from bad to worse until one day she ghosts him and leaves.
And where is she heading? His online dating site and another man he becomes obsessed with, at least temporarily.
My client says she wants a healthy relationship more than anything, but she thrives on the chaos of a messy relationship, unwittingly sabotaging any chance of it becoming a lasting relationship.
3. Your boundaries around infidelity are a bit “grey.”
For many people, a healthy relationship is a goal, but a healthy relationship is boring. As a result, they try to spice things up by causing chaos in the relationship.
And what better way to bring chaos into a relationship than cheating on your partner?
I have a client who is a chronic cheater. She loves her husband very much but, after 15 years of marriage, she is bored. They have a house, children, friends and a job, but their relationship is stale.
So she cheats.
My client travels a lot and she has a man in almost every port. All of these men know she’s married and that’s usually fine with guys. They meet, they have dinner, have a drink and make love, then she continues on her merry way.
And it’s exciting for her. And it also causes chaos.
Chaos because she knows what she’s doing is wrong. Chaos because when she is with these men, her husband cannot reach her and that makes him angry. Chaos because sometimes these men want more.
Chaos because she balances a lot of different lives and following them is exhausting.
And, while the chaos keeps her life from being boring, the chaos also sucks the life out of her and her marriage.
So, if you’re one of those people who usually cheat, you might be someone who subconsciously seeks chaos in your relationship.
4. You feel comfortable when there is a lot of drama.
I am a Pisces and Pisces thrives on drama. It’s a little confusing because we also want peace, but I guess we all have many sides to our personality.
Anyway, before getting into a healthy relationship, I absolutely thrived on drama. Any type of drama. And if there was no drama in my relationship, I made it.
I had a boyfriend that I absolutely adored. He was a wonderful man and our relationship was one that others saw as very healthy. And I was so happy to be with him, but I couldn’t get used to settling for a good relationship.
So, I would create drama. One night I went out dancing with some girlfriends, met a friend and decided to take a midnight road trip with him. The night ended with him in jail for running a toll and I had to explain to my boyfriend what happened.
I had no intention of doing anything with this friend but, in making the choices I made that night, I knew I would inject some drama into my relationship.
And, boy, it worked. My boyfriend was not happy with the choice I made and he let me know. There was a lot of door slamming, name calling and promises to break up. He gave me the silent treatment and slept in the other room.
While I hated the fact that I had let my boyfriend down, deep down I welcomed the drama, this break from the everyday stability of my relationship.
I knew we would get through this – we always have – so I relished the short-term chaos.
Sadly, this wonderful man could only handle my drama for so long and ultimately broke up with me. Chaos might be what Pisces wanted, but he wasn’t.
So if you’re someone who likes to create drama in a relationship, you’re probably someone who subconsciously seeks chaos.
5. You crave make-up or breakup sex.
So be honest. Does make-up sex turn you on a lot?
Do you like the sex you have with your partner but do you like the makeup sex you have after an argument?
Back when I was single, I had the weirdest addiction. I loved having sex with men as I broke up with them.
I definitely didn’t want to be with them but the idea that I would never see them again made me super attracted to them. I’ve often had the best sex I’ve had with guys when I broke up with them.
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Many of my clients who are in toxic and chaotic relationships stay because “sex is awesome”. They know they shouldn’t stay, but they fear that if they leave, they’ll never experience sex like this again. Many of them have never had such good sex in their lives.
And why is sex so good? Because after the adrenaline of a fight, sex can be amazing. All the chemicals that run through your body heighten your senses and enhance the sexual experience.
Who doesn’t love sex that’s amazing?
So if you find you crave the intensity of makeup or breakup sex, you may be someone who thrives on chaos.
Now that you know the signs that you might be subconsciously looking for chaos in your relationship, do any of them ring true?
Do you recognize that maybe the choices you make are actually the reason you can’t get into a healthy relationship?
Fortunately, knowing what these signs mean is the first step to breaking the pattern. Awareness is the key to change.
People who seek chaos in relationships are often people who have faced things in their lives that have made them unprepared for a healthy relationship.
I know that in my life, my parents set a horrible example of what a healthy relationship looked like. They both cheated and fought regularly. When they divorced, it was acrimonious and their new partners were toxic. As a result, when it was time for me to enter romantic relationships, I didn’t know what to do.
What I know now is that by creating chaos in a relationship, I was able to protect myself from giving someone my heart entirely, from making myself vulnerable to being hurt. By ignoring red flags, cheating, and creating drama in general, I was able to protect my heart from harm to my parents.
Awareness of these patterns was key for me to start making a change. But I needed help. I needed someone to help me break these patterns, to help me make better choices, to make me vulnerable, and to open me up to a healthy relationship.
So, I found myself a life coach, and by working together, I was able to break that pattern of chaos in my relationship and learn to be happy with peace.
You can do it too. You can break the pattern of bringing chaos into your relationship and live happily ever after!
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Mitzi Bockman is a certified life coach and mental health advocate based in New York City. She works with all kinds of people to help them move from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.