7 Signs Your Friendship Won’t Last

In the months leading up to the premiere of ‘And Just Like That…’, fans wondered how the ‘Sex and the City’ reboot would make up for Kim Cattrall’s absence as the team’s fourth musketeer. , Samantha Jones. The writers tackled it early: she and Carrie had a falling out and were no longer friends.

It’s not uncommon. Despite exchanging friendship bracelets with best friends from childhood and promising to be best friends forever, as we grow into adulthood our relationship has to change. Sometimes friendships run their course. Other times, there are toxic dynamics at play that make a friendship breakup simply unavoidable.

Below, experts share the signs that a friendship might have an expiration date.

It’s always one-sided.

“Relationships may not be equal all the time, but over time they should equalize,” said Irene S. Levine, clinical psychologist and friendship expert. “There is an inequality in the relationship if one person does all the heavy lifting, always on the giving side.”

When only one person in the friendship makes an effort to spend time together or takes an interest in the other person’s life, things start to get one-sided. You might feel unappreciated and less inclined to open up if your friend doesn’t seem genuinely interested in you.

“It’s a big red flag when someone who’s supposed to be your friend turns most of your conversations into their own personal monologue,” said the friendship expert and author. shasta nelson. “Or when you find yourself unable to express your ideas or share your own experiences with them. Or when you start telling a story and they change the subject to themselves. These are important indications that a friendship is not a real friendship.

Being with this person makes you feel bad.

“If we hang up the phone or leave our time together feeling unpleasant emotions, we’ll be less likely to want to repeat that experience,” Nelson said.

Pay attention to whether or not your interactions leave you feeling drained, whether that person is judging or criticizing you, whether they never affirm you or show gratitude or appreciation, or whether the substance of your conversations is always negative.

“None of us want to feel judged, criticized or belittled, yet too often we don’t take the time when we’re together to say, ‘What can I do to make my friend feel better? after being in my life? presence?” she added. “Too often we received advice when empathy would have been better, we listened to complaining all night instead of a sharing that left us made us happy, or we felt like she was judging our choices when we wanted to feel accepted.”

Levine pointed to emotional — and even physical — indications that a friendship might not be particularly healthy.

“When you get together, you feel anxious, nervous or uncomfortable,” she said. “It can even be somatic, manifesting as headaches or stomach aches.”

You don’t intend to meet.

“One of the biggest causes of relationships that don’t last is when people don’t spend time together,” Nelson said. “There are a lot of people who love each other but their friendship never lasts simply because they haven’t found a way to initiate new times together after a big life change (i.e. spending time together when they are no longer working together) or when a person feels resentment for being the one always reaching out.

Sure, we all go through times when our schedules are hard to coordinate, but if you can’t even squeeze in 10 minutes for a phone call or text exchange once in a while, that could be an indication of your true priorities.

“Having trouble scheduling time with each other or if either of you keep breaking up dates can suggest that your motivation to be together is significantly diminished,” said Levine.

They don’t celebrate your success.

“Another sign of a toxic friendship is a friend who only puts you down,” says a psychologist and friendship expert. Marisa G.Franco.

Pay attention to his reaction when you experience success in your life, whether at work or in a personal matter.

“Are they happy for you? Or are they jealous of you and trying to bring you down? Franco asked. “When you get promoted, do they say, ‘I’m so proud of you’ or do they say, ‘I don’t know if you deserve this’?”

When a friend doesn’t celebrate your successes, it’s often out of jealousy or insecurity.

“Being happy with your success and more generally wanting you to succeed is an important part of a healthy friendship,” Franco said. “The opposite is more toxic.”

Your communication is strained.

No friendship is free from conflict or tension from time to time, but there should always be ease of communication. If that’s lacking, consider if there’s a toxic dynamic at play or if you’re just walking away.

“There can be frequent misunderstandings, or you just run out of things to discuss,” Levine said. “It’s getting hard to talk to each other.”

She noted that your life circumstances might have taken such divergent paths that you have less in common than before. It can also be difficult to overcome “very different lifestyles based on deeply held and divergent beliefs about politics, religion or money”.

If you’re having a problem with your friend, ask yourself if they’ll have an honest and constructive conversation about it.

“Most of us try to talk with our friends about the things they do that irritate us – always being late, texting or calling us at inconvenient times, bringing up sensitive topics in front of other people” , said Glenda Shaw, author of “Better you, best friends.” “These are the types of issues that everyone has to negotiate in life. What becomes a red flag is when someone continually ignores your request to fix an irritating situation.

There is an unresolved breach of trust.

“We all have different breaking factors, limits, breaking points,” Shaw said. “It helps to figure out what your personal ones are.”

She noted that a red flag for her is someone who constantly gossips about everyone because it’s a sign that you might not be able to trust them.

“One of the hardest problems to deal with in friendship is when you find out that a friend isn’t being honest with you,” Shaw explained. “Unlike our family and colleagues, our friends are the people we choose in our lives. A true friend is someone we are honest with, someone we trust.

Even with a trustworthy friend, something can happen that jeopardizes your trust in them. It is important to work through these situations if you want to preserve the relationship.

“A sign that a friendship may be unraveling is that there’s been a major breach of trust that’s still unresolved,” Levine said. “Some of them can be deadly – undermining the person with their boss, saying hurtful things behind their back or having a romantic affair with their lover.”

They don’t listen to your point of view.

“In a healthy friendship, you openly work through the conflict instead of pushing it away and pretending it’s not there, or ghosting or withdrawing,” Franco said. “You’re able to say, ‘Hey, that hurts me,’ and the other person wants to listen because they’re invested in pursuing a relationship with you.”

She noted that in unhealthy friendships, people may withdraw when upset. Or they might attack you, blame you for their problems, or project their negative experience onto you. There is a lack of interest in reaching mutual understanding.

It’s a major sign of a toxic relationship if a friend rarely considers your perspective, Franco added. “They wonder if you meet their needs, but not if they meet your Needs. When I was writing my book, I interviewed someone who was supposed to go to a friend’s dance recital but couldn’t because she got sick. Her friend got mad at her and said, “You abandoned me and you are a bad friend. It is clearly a lack of perspective. She thought only of her own needs and not those of her friend.

Listening to each other is a fundamental element of healthy friendships. As Nelson noted, “If a person doesn’t seem to want to hear from you, then that’s a warning that this friendship isn’t working.”

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