A queer couple plans their life together on their terms


Dear Abby: I am a bisexual man in his thirties who is in a relationship with a bisexual woman of the same age. We both lived different lives and dated various people before we met, but now I’m pretty sure she’s the one. The question arises when it comes to how others, especially my parents and their friends, perceive us.

For us, we are two homosexual people who have identified as a form of homosexuality or bisexuality since our adolescence. We repeatedly faced backlash from conservative family members and family friends about who we were attracted to. One of my mother’s best friends is extremely homophobic. She has, at various holiday parties my parents threw, loudly voiced her homophobic views, including how proud she was to vote against same-sex marriage.

How can I gently explain to my mom that my girlfriend and I are NOT straight, and that it’s wrong to label ourselves as straight when we don’t identify ourselves that way? Also, I want to say that I don’t feel comfortable with her friend. A lot of what she talks about is denigrating the sexuality of people I have deep affection for.

My mom is extremely defensive about her friend. She didn’t take it kindly when I told her I deserved an apology for having to listen to this woman’s homophobic rants given that I’m LGBTQ myself. We would like to get married in the next few years and make it a homophobia-free marriage. Can you help ?

— Un-straight in Michigan

Dear Non-Hetero: The way to explain to your mother that you and your fiancée-to-be are not straight would be to tell her that in plain English. If you want to make sure you and the woman you love have a homophobia-free wedding, plan it yourself and control the guest list.

Dear Abby: I’ve been married to “Jeff” for almost 50 years. He suddenly learned through DNA that he had a 52-year-old son. The son visited her and they talked on the phone. The guy was conceived in the summer of 1970. I started seeing my husband in September of that year.

Jeff wants this man to leave him alone, and I can’t deal with that either. We have three adult children, two of whom have become friends with this guy. There is no denying it. He looks more like Jeff than our son. The mother never told him who his father was. Are we wrong to feel this?

– I don’t want to deal with it

Dear Don’t: What does this man want from your husband? If it’s information, it should be shared. However, if what he’s looking for is the father he never had and a sense of belonging to your family, and you don’t care to give it to him, then your feelings are your feelings. I kindly remind you, however, that our society has changed a great deal over the past half-century. While the kind of news you used to receive was embarrassing, people today are more welcoming than before.

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