Accept the differences that drive your bond
DEAR MISS SOLITARY HEARTS: My girlfriend is seven years older than me. She is a very small thing. I joke that I’m seven years older, but seven times bigger than her, so it all balances out. We are also of different ethnic origins. We celebrate everything in our cultures and honor our different religions. Life is fun together.
Our problem is other people who drop snide remarks, or come right up and comment on how different we are. I’m so fed up. How can we silence them?
— Had enough bait, West End
Pretty expensive baiting: Shed light on what they’re up to with a response like, “So you have a problem with our difference?” What is the problem, as you see it? I’m listening.” Then stay quiet, with a neutral look on your face (no growling), and wait while he struggles to defend himself.
Another way to get side reviews is to accept and reject them. You might say, “You’re right, we’re different in many ways, but we’re in perfect harmony inside. Tell me how it goes between you and your partner.
Whenever someone seems to be trying to criticize your differences, invite them to dig deeper and talk about the real issues. They’ll probably find an excuse and walk away because you’re not easy prey. They were just looking to give you a quick hit, but you changed the dynamic by challenging them.
dear Miss lonely hearts: I’m homesick for the lake. Other winters we could go out for the weekend and warm up the cabin, and have fun with winter sports like snowshoeing and cross-country skiing. I feel like we’re missing something important. The cabin in the winter was also great for our love life – you know, getting away from the teenagers back home. Do you have any help for us?
— Homesick for our cabin, Winnipeg
Dear Homesick: People tend to love their summer cottages in a romantic way. You must reconnect to this beloved cabin and lake soon, even if it is still snowy. As soon as there is a break in time, it makes sense for the two of you to head off to the cabin for a day trip. Check it for needed repairs and evidence of any little furry visitors.
Also consider starting a small construction project that you can work on in town first. Take the exact measurements while you’re there, then buy supplies and start building as soon as spring decides to show its face.
dear Miss lonely hearts: My wife and I are in our twenties and have only been married for two years. She became a plague during COVID. When I come home, she’s there waiting because she’s bored (she lost her job during the pandemic). She makes me her job!
She jumps on me when I walk through the door, tired. She often wears lingerie. I don’t want sex anymore! It’s like a second job to do, right after coming home from work. I think once a night before sleeping is enough. No suggestions?
— Her worn husband, Sage Creek
Expensive worn Outside: Your wife is bored to death, and planning to have sex is more fun for her than doing nothing. I think you will agree that she really needs a job and a purpose, other than to be your sex partner.
As the pandemic ends, there will be plenty of jobs to fill. Talk to her about what she would like to do in terms of work – in her old job field or something different. Maybe she needs to get some training to land her dream job, and she should start looking for the education she needs now.
Meanwhile, take your wife out into the world for a few short car trips a week after work. Call her when you leave work, invite her to pack snacks, or ask her if she wants to go to the drive-thru.
Try to stop being mad at her for wanting you. Remember, the husband who has too much action is always much better off than the guy who can’t remember the last time his mate wanted him. Now that’s really sad.
Please send questions and comments to [email protected] or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o The Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Every year the Free press publishes over 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her answers to life and relationship questions that come her way.
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Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.
Read the full biography