He only wants to make love in one position
Sexual experimentation is not automatically synonymous with satisfaction. For example, many couples only have penetrative sex in a missionary position because it is a very good all-round position. It allows you to touch, smell, kiss, speak and, above all, see. If you can’t see yourself, you’re probably in spoons.
The spoons are a nice and easy position and perfect for an early morning nose. It’s slow, sultry, and low impact and offers full body skin-to-skin contact, which can be a deliciously erotic way to start the day. However, as a preferred sex position, this is problematic because you cannot kiss each other and it limits eye contact.
During sex, we communicate as much with our lips and eyes as with our words, so there is something unsettling about your husband limiting himself to a position that makes non-verbal communication nearly impossible. Unless you have a verbal dialogue during sex, which I doubt, you have no way of knowing what your husband is thinking or feeling while you are having sex, and it is the same. Upside down. It’s more than boring. It completely depersonalizes your experience.
After 20 years of marriage, I wonder why you don’t feel able to voice your opinion and just ask for a change. I suspect the real reason you haven’t challenged him about it is because you’re worried that he’ll say he doesn’t “want” to see you when you’re having sex.
Maybe he enjoys having sex like this because it means he has the ability to fantasize without feeling scrutinized. It is much more difficult to do this by looking directly at your partner.
The British Sexual Fantasy Research Project (which had around 19,000 participants) estimates that 96% of men and 90% of women have fantasized at some point during sex, but because most of those fantasies revolve around someone other than a current long term partner, 95% of people never share their fantasies with another person. For example, in a recent Lovehoney poll of 1,300 people, 46% of women and 42% of men admitted to fantasizing about someone else when they were having sex.
Although the fantasy is not real, it can cause real feelings of jealousy and pain if the fantasy is about someone else. However, unless your husband’s fantasized sex life creates an emotional distance between the two of you, it really doesn’t mean anything. For middle-aged men like your husband who may be starting to have unreliable erections, fantasy can be very helpful in maintaining an erection. Talking to you about it may be embarrassing, and hiding behind your back may be a form of avoidance.
If this is the case (and you probably already have an idea), you should talk to him about the possibility of seeing a general practitioner. Erectile dysfunction can be a sign of underlying health issues so he needs to get checked out and if there is nothing wrong he can get a prescription for Viagra and Cialis.
It is also possible that your husband prefers the spoons because it is the least forceful sex position in the book. If it works for him because he has mobility issues, fine. If he’s just lazy, you have to be more picky. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both partners, so if you’re being wronged, speak up.
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