I wish I had the drive and work ethic of a homophobic activist

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The Washington Post. Getty Images.

This morning I took the train to go to work. I’m in a bad mood and decided to wear a wool sweater (very irritating, BIG mistake). And then, to make matters worse, on the packed train, I heard what every New Yorker dreads… a subway activist.

For you out of town, a subway activist isn’t someone trying to get you to eat big breaded sandwiches with too much mayonnaise, but rather a short woman with a heavy accent who shouts the ” good news” in a seven dollar headset that looks like it has extreme water damage. They’re always holding a sign twice their size saying something like “DO YOUR LIFE OR YOU WILL BURN IN HELL”.

I would MUCH rather see the homeless jerking off behind the trash can (he’s not good at hiding but he does his best) than listen to this little lady yelling at me that I’m going to hell. Like, 1) tell me something I don’t know, and 2) did I mention this sweater is completely itchy? I’m basically already here, ma’am.

But because I don’t have airpods and can’t risk being caught with wired headphones in public, as I listened to this woman struggle to pronounce “transgender” and “damnation”, I realized that his drive and work ethic were second to none. She is truly amazing.

Listen to me: this homophobe will spend hours in a hot, crowded subway, just to scream. People give her dirty looks, and she doesn’t care at all. She is not paid. It doesn’t help his career. If she put that much work into something meaningful, we would have already cured cancer. But instead, she chose to “scream 14 hours a day at a bunch of New Yorkers who don’t care.” It’s borderline admirable.

If I could channel my inner Westboro Baptist and start treating my career like they do activism, I would be the Dave Chappelle wife. I would have an EGOT. What if I attacked my health so aggressively? I would be a mix between Joe Rogan and Gwyneth Paltrow. I would live forever.

These people are wild. They appear everywhere. They protest at funerals, parades, weddings; basically any type of event they are there. It is the commitment. They never take a day off. They never think “Oh, they’re bisexual, that’s not completely gay. Maybe we can relax on homophobia.” NO – THEY. ARE. THE. They’ve been making their sign all night and they’re ready. They really have the strength of the Lord, and if my podcast doesn’t start getting more spins, I might have to join them.

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