Love life: this relationship helps me explore my sexuality
Love life is a weekly Zikoko series about love, relationships, situations, entanglements and everything in between.
Ajoke, 28, and Solomon, 25, have been dating for three years. Today on Love Life they talk about being classmates, becoming friends with benefits and being in a polyamorous relationship where they are both allowed to date and have sex with others people.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
A joke: We were classmates at university. We met in 2015.
Solomon: The first time I saw it, I liked it. She saw her old high school classmate next to me and was laughing with the guy. I liked his smile. I thought she had a good balance between being mature and being playful. I kept seeing her in class and we would say hello to each other, but I didn’t tell her I liked her until our second year.
How did you tell her?
Solomon: During the break of our second year, we became close. We talked on the phone for long periods of time, flirting with each other. I liked talking with her. We had a lot in common. When we got back to school, I expected us to fuck, but this girl ignored me like all the time we spent talking while we were home didn’t happen.
Solomon: Yes, I even went to see her at home once. She left the door open and stayed away from me. It hurt, but I eventually moved on.
Did you two remain friends?
A joke: Not really. I didn’t want to be intimate with him because I felt weird being intimate with classmates. Imagine seeing yourself in class after fucking all night. I couldn’t handle it, so I backed out of the friendship we were building.
How did you reconnect?
A joke: At level 300, we had an industrial psychology course, for which the doctor in charge asked us to wear corporate clothes. Solomon has this macho body, so every time he came for this class, he looked hot as shit. I didn’t tell him I wanted to sleep with him because he was dating someone in our department at the time.
I let my feelings die until we left for NYSC in 2018.
A joke: I took his class group number to say hello, and we got closer again. I told him about my sexual escapades in Cross River where I served, and he also told me about his experiences.
Solomon: She used to put sultry photos on her status. I would always say she’s hot and one day we’ll fall apart. She laughed it off, but eventually she let me down, and we planned to meet after NYSC to fuck.
Did you two get off?
A joke: Yes. I traveled to Ilorin to see him in December 2018. I was there for three days and we fucked 80% of the time. I really enjoyed myself. When I returned to Lagos, our conversations deepened.
Solomon: We talked about what we both wanted. I didn’t want a relationship where I couldn’t be with other people. She didn’t want that either.
A joke: So we decided to formalize our relationship, but to keep it open. We can see other people and have sex with them, but we would be committed to each other.
Solomon: At that time, she found a book on polyamorous relationships, and she shared it with me. When I read it, I felt seen. It affirmed our relationship. We have been together ever since.
How has this unconventional relationship gone over the years?
A joke: When we decided to be together, we consumed a lot of content around polyamory. From videos to books. One of the books we read was The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. We wanted to do it right, and we did.
Our relationship goes beyond the sexual connection. We have a lot in common. For example, he is irreligious like me. It’s nice to have someone I can always talk to about not believing in God. He’s my best friend and I love hanging out with him.
Solomon: I love that we both know that love is not limited. It doesn’t start and end with just one person, even if you’re in a committed relationship. One of the problems people in monogamous relationships have is that they feel they have to love their partner 100%. I think it’s flawed because that would be measuring love and missing out on life. That’s why we took our time to learn about polyamory.
Another thing we’ve learned is that it’s not realistic to expect everything from your partner. Sometimes your partner is not equipped to meet your needs. There are times when we seek out good sexual experiences from each other while nurturing companionship and fantastic conversations with another partner. For example, she likes girls, and I can’t give her pussy. It’s something she explores without me. I believe we both have the right to have our needs met through other people.
I’m curious – is jealousy something you both deal with?
A joke: Yes. At first, I talked to her about girls, but not about guys. When I realized we were getting serious, I knew I couldn’t leave out any more information, so I started telling him everything.
Solomon: Even though I came into the relationship understanding that she might fall in love with someone else, and I have to agree with that, I was jealous when she told me about the guys she had slept while we were dating. I had to sit down and wonder why I felt like this. It’s not like her pussy is leaking.
How did you fix that?
Solomon: Jealousy does not go by itself; it’s one of the things you need to work on. We also realized that jealousy is not a bad emotion. It’s one of the most important emotions in a relationship because it tells you exactly where your insecurities lie. Now, when you feel jealous, you make it as constructive as possible.
A joke: It’s difficult, but we always manage.
It’s nice. Tell me, what’s the best part of the relationship?
A joke: The fact that we talk about everything. I also love being in a relationship that doesn’t feel like a cage. I live my life on my terms and there is this partner by my side who supports me every step of the way.
Solomon: I love how much sex we have and how good it is. At the start of the relationship, we used to fuck like wild cats…we still do.
Sex aside, I love how we question religion and all the other things we grew up with. We both have degrees in psychology and are doing our second degrees, which helps us understand each other and our relationship.
This relationship helps me explore my sexuality, and I don’t want it to be any other way. With her, I don’t have to be gay or straight, I just have to be me.
Surprising. I’m curious about your biggest fight and how you solved it.
Women: I met a guy once and wanted to talk to Solomon about it, but he didn’t seem interested at all. It bored me. Everything else started to irritate me. Eventually things got out of hand and I had to go to my friend’s house because I was so mad at him.
Solomon: The next day I texted her to ask when she was coming home so we could talk. When she came, we talked about it. It’s not like I don’t want to hear it. I was just distracted at the time. After talking we had sex made up like a bomb.
LOL. What attracts you to each other?
A joke: I like his body, and I like that he is frank. He’s also so smart. I am envious of him. He always has answers to my questions about schoolwork.
Solomon: LOL. For me, it’s his body. She has the kind of body I’ve always wanted to have sex with – small and sweet. I also like his sincerity. She just lives her life and doesn’t care what society thinks. I think it’s a hard way to live, so I admire him for that.
Sweet. Rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten.
A joke: 10 because I found my best friend in him. Our love is easy and allows me to be myself.
Solomon: It’s a 10 for me too. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
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