Savage Love: The Elusive Cuckquean

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  • Joe newton
  • The wild love of this week

I am a 33 year old heterosexual woman, I have been with my husband for ten years, married for six years. When we first started dating, I was an extremely jealous person. Fortunately, I got it under control with a lot of therapy. But once I did, I started having fantasies about him dating other people. We incorporated these fantasies into the bedroom – like a fantasy – and it was insanely hot. Anyway, I had a baby a year ago. It took a while for my libido to come back, but it’s back in full force. I am excited all the time. I’m so excited that when my husband mentioned that an old friend of his who lives in another town was flirting, I immediately encouraged him to see if anything could come of it. With my blessing, he shared with her that I might be a cuckold. (Stay on “could” for now, because we never did that). She was interested and the flirtation intensified. Now she comes to town to work. Never having done anything like this, I began to feel a little sexy jealousy returning. We decided he wouldn’t do anything with it, just have a quick drink. But she asked to have dinner with the two of us instead. It changed the math and I agreed to have dinner. But I find myself oscillating between titillation and anxiety. Am I there to watch or participate? (I’m bi, so that’s not out of the question.) They already have a relationship and I’m not sure I feel left out. I’m writing because I don’t know how to deal with this cognitive dissonance. One minute, I’m so excited to make this fantasy come true that I slip away and get out of it just thinking about it. The next minute I’m worried about what will happen if I see him giving her more attention than he gives me. I don’t know how to make sense of what I’m feeling. Am I really a cuckquean if I feel conflicted?

-Cuckquean completely confused
When I shared your letter with Venus, the host of the Venus Cuckoldress podcast, she responded with three words and an exclamation mark: “The elusive cuckquean!

Cuckolding is a loving, consensual “open one-sided” relationship, as Venus likes to describe it, and most cuckolds who identify with themselves are male. It is rare to meet a cuckold in nature, that is, a woman who lashes out at her husband or boyfriend having sex with other women. I have received hundreds of letters over the years from men who wanted to be cuckolds (some gay, most straight or bi), but only a handful of letters from women like you, CCC. You are a rare flower, a black swan, a precious stone.

And what you’re describing – that feeling of excitement and dread, titillation and anxiety – is so common among wannabes and even cuckolders that Venus gave it a name (and a whole segment of her podcast). : cuck angst.

“With that emotional angst comes a beautifully complex cuckold relationship,” Venus said. “Being able to process and overcome damaging jealousy and turn it into something very erotic is truly an emotional achievement. It’s something I admire so much about cuckolds and cuckqueans.”

While the cuckold’s angst can be confusing, CCC, it’s not disqualifying. If your anxiety is manageable and the rewards are worth it – and if your partner can help you deal with it in a positive way – you may come to a place where you want to fulfill your fantasies. But like, say, bungee jumping, CCC, it’s always going to be scary.

“One minute it can be nice and the next minute it can be terrifying,” Venus said. “But your partner plays a big role in reassuring and supporting you during all of this. I know a woman who wrote a thoughtful letter to her cuckolded husband before he first met another man. It was up to him to read if her Cuckold anxiety was becoming overwhelming, and it turned out to be exactly what he needed at the time. He was able to overcome the anxiety and give way to the excitement and thrill of thinking of his wife with a other man. ”

A cuckold’s partner has to strike a delicate balance. You’re going to need your husband to acknowledge your insecurities and reassure you to minimize them, CCC, but you don’t want those insecurities to go away. For most cuckolds, eroticized insecurities are at the heart of the cuckolding / cuckqueaning fold – no insecurity, no thrills. And while that might seem like a lot of effort to someone who doesn’t share this issue (or has an issue that requires emotional preparation and follow-up), the rewards – the experiences you’ll share, the connections you’ll make. , the orgasms you will have – can be great.

“But be prepared for some ups and downs,” Venus warned, “because cuckolding is truly an emotional roller coaster.”

And please – please, please, please – don’t rush into your first cuckold experience just because this particular woman is in town this weekend. specifically. “Taking things slowly is the key to success,” said Venus. “There is always room to move forward with loving teasing, but it’s never easy to take steps back by jumping through things too quickly.”

It’s not easy to recover from a bad threesome that accidentally triggered feelings of jealousy, CCC, but it is possible. A bad first cuckold experience – where a person usually wants to feel jealous and / or inadequate – can destroy a relationship. Learning where the line is between “good / bad” feelings (sexy jealousy) and “bad / bad” feelings (non-sexy jealousy) takes time and not just good communication, CCC, but excessive communication.

Follow Venus on Twitter @CuckoldressV and check out her dating site for men and women looking for cuckold relationships at venusconnections.com.

I’m a 30 year old lesbian who listens to your podcast and reads your column religiously. I am in a long term monogamous relationship and am very much in love with my girlfriend. I recently told her that I wanted to explore my issues and my sexuality and that I might need an open or at least monogamous relationship. Looks like she doesn’t like it. Maybe we’re sexually incompatible and need to go our separate ways, but what if I act on my fantasies (swingers, orgies, BDSM) and then find out I’m not really into all of this? Then I would have given up on an otherwise good relationship for nothing. I have never tried any of the things I mention, so what if they were just things I should masturbate on? Mainly, I’m very excited to get fucked by a group of women wearing strap-ons. Sometimes I feel like I’m about to make a life-changing sexual discovery and other times I just feel like I just want to stay home with my dog. Where do I go from here? Should I continue to masturbate to these fantasies or do you think a glorious and naughty future awaits me?

– Suddenly repeatedly thinking about passionate orgies now

You’re gonna have to make your best guess, STRAPON.

If you think that staying with your current girlfriend and not acting on those fantasies and never being able to fully explore these fantasies will make you resent your girlfriend, and your resentment will turn into a cancer that will eventually kill your relationship – if that is your best guess – then you should be done with your girlfriend now. But if you couldn’t enjoy the experience of being stuck in a room full of hot women because you’d regret ditching your girlfriend over something so “trivial” than a few easier to fantasize about that -realize sexual fantasies – if that is your best guess – then decide never to follow through on those fantasies. (I put “trivial” in quotes because I don’t think there is anything trivial about sexual fantasies.)

But I have to say … when you think of putting those fantasies aside … it’s not your girlfriend that you see yourself making yourself comfortable with at home, STRAPON, it’s your dog. Well, I come from the future pervert to tell you that you can attend a BDSM orgy or play party and come home with your dog afterwards. So you can have your orgies and your play parties and your dog too; it’s your girlfriend that you might not be able to have.

But is it your girlfriend that you want? Or is it your dog?

If you want it all – your girlfriend, your dog, your adventures – there might still be a way. You say that it “seems” that your girlfriend is not interested in opening the relationship. Which means she didn’t rule him out. So it’s my turn to guess, STRAPON: I think your girlfriend might have had a different reaction to your request to open your relationship if you had invited her on these proposed adventures. Instead of saying, “I would love to have some steamy sex experiences involving other people on my own while you wait at home with the dog,” try saying this, “I wish we had some steamy sex adventures together. – you and me, the two of us, and sexy women who love us both! “Inviting your girlfriend to run with you, STRAPON, instead of asking her permission to run with her, might make you go” sounds like a no ”the kind of qualified yes that can become – with time, patience and openness, and honest communication – an enthusiastic yes.

Questions? [email protected] Follow Dan on Twitter @FakeDanSavage or savage.love.


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