Sex life: I pursue orgasms, but the drugs make it difficult for me
Sex life is an anonymous weekly series by Zikoko that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old pansexual woman with bipolar disorder and depression. She talks about preferring the dry bump to the touch as a coping mechanism, her love of sex driving her to seek orgasms, and the effect of her antidepressants and mood stabilizers on her sex life.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I banged a toy on my bed pretending to be Gabriella from High School Musical, and Troy was talking to me. I didn’t have an orgasm, but it was nice. I was 8 years old.
How did you know what the hump was like at 8?
At the time, I technically didn’t. While I was pretending to be Gabriella, I just did what felt right at the time. Jumping the toy felt good, so I did.
After the Troy and Gabriella incident, I didn’t feel the need to try anything until I was 9 years old. I was on the floor of my grandmother’s house reading my uncle’s copy of a Danielle Steele book.
While reading, I had to pee. I liked how it felt and re-grouped the wrapper I was tying. I worked it until I came. It was my very first orgasm and I tried so hard to recreate it.
I had an orgasm the next day rubbing another thing I owned. I’m very relentless in the pursuit of orgasms, and it started when I was a kid. It got so bad I thought I was addicted.
How bad did it go?
I moved to boarding school when I was 13. You would have thought that being in a boarding school would stop me, but it is not. I brought a plush toy with me to school for work. I also hid in empty classrooms to work on a sweater.
I was masturbating about three times a day, rubbing different things because that was the only way I knew how. I was Mrs. Humps-A-Lot.
Why do you think you were so into it?
I was a very unhappy child. I masturbated or self-harmed – I took my release wherever I found it, and the bump was that place. It also helped me sleep.
I tried other things, like touching myself, but it never went well. The beat was off and I couldn’t replicate the orgasmic sensation the hump gave me.
Agreed. Let’s talk about sex with other people. When was your first time?
I was 17 and it was with my then girlfriend. We were able to recreate that orgasmic sensation I felt while rubbing. We’ve tried every form of sex you can have without a penis, and it was awesome.
The year we started dating was the peak of my mental health issues. I was in SS 3, applying to universities I had no chance of getting into, and it made me anxious. I didn’t eat and I slept too much. I went through periods where I refused to look anyone in the eye because I felt like a failure. I was self-harming every other day, but she took care of me.
She wasn’t too afraid to walk on eggshells around me and was genuinely interested in making sure I was as well as possible. It excited me all the time.
That didn’t mean I stopped fucking sha because we couldn’t have sex all the time. I didn’t start hacking into other forms of masturbation until I was 21. By then I had already started having penetrative sex.
Wait, let’s take it back. Sex with penetration?
The first time I had penetrative sex was when I was 18. My then girlfriend and I broke up because school was out.
I woke up that June day and decided I had had enough of my hymen. That’s when I told a guy to come.
Sex was extremely painful. It wasn’t a particularly good experience because I kept backing away when he touched me, and he just grabbed me and shoved it.
After that experience, I saw him for six weeks even though I hated it and hated every time he touched me. It was even supposed to be a one-time thing, but he told me he liked me and I felt flattered. I didn’t like sex for a very long time after those six weeks.
How long is long?
7 months. I couldn’t have sex again until January.
At the end of the Christmas holidays, my friend put me in touch with this man who brought my vagina back to life. Sex with him hurt, but in a good way. I particularly enjoyed his reactions when we had sex – he was not shy about expressing his pleasure.
From then on, I began to spread my legs with carefree abandon. I am one of those people who like to experience things. So an opportunity for a new experience presents itself, and I would seize it. I had as much sex as possible. Plus, carelessly spreading my legs led me to the man who taught me how to masturbate correctly.
We didn’t have a masturbation lesson or anything like that. We were having sex and he played with my clitoris until I came. I remember being shocked and shaking as he held me. I went there hoping to suck the soul out of his cock, but here I was shaking my soul.
No man had ever made me cum by touching me before. I had had many orgasms, but none had been achieved by a man simply rubbing my clitoris. I tried to replicate what he did when it was just me, and that’s when I hacked masturbation with my fingers. I now know the model that works. and I often masturbate. I think frequent masturbation is healthy, but it all got difficult once I took medication.
Well, antidepressants for my depression and mood stabilizers because I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have been on and off treatment for depression since I was 15.
I had a really bad episode in high school that got me suspended. The conditions of my return were that a psychologist had to prove that I was not a danger to anyone else. I have never been violent towards others, but the violence I showed myself made people panic. My dad wasn’t happy to hear that I was self-harming, but he wanted me to go back to school.
I was on antidepressants for a year. As soon as these drugs were taken, I knew I didn’t want them anymore.
But do you have more?
At 20, I went to a mental health facility and was put back on medication. I stayed on it for two months before leaving.
The first time I had sex while on my meds, I couldn’t get very wet and dried out very quickly. I was frustrated too and then we ran out of lube. So I let him finish and then I went back to sleep.
When I tried to masturbate, it didn’t work. I wasn’t as excited or as wet as I should have been.
How did you know it was the drugs?
I’m a psychology student, so I had some knowledge about what happens when you take drugs. I just never connected with myself until I tried to masturbate and absolutely nothing happened. That’s when I spoke to a friend of mine who was on the same medication and had an “aha” moment.
The problem with the drugs is that they make me feel worse for at least the first 2-4 weeks. When I throw them, I’m the most miserable and suicidal you can find. My mind almost never thinks about sex, and I’m stressed all the time. Not being able to masturbate pisses me off.
Emotions eventually balance out and I feel better, but my libido goes away for at least six months. This is torture.
I am sorry.
Most of the time when someone I love turns me on during sex, I don’t need lube. Like at all. When I take my meds I use all the lube I can get and still don’t have an orgasm. Sex doesn’t feel as good.
How long have you been taking your medications?
I took this current set of meds for 6-7 weeks but went off my meds at the end of Feb 2022.
One of the people I’m currently sleeping with has a penis that’s too soft. I need one thing to be right for me in this life. I deserve good sex.
Have you stopped your penis medications?
Something like that. I almost lost my job because my meds screwed me up. I physically couldn’t do anything. I barely got out of bed.
I hated myself for feeling like this too. I know I should have been patient and let the effects wear off, but omo. When they told me at work that they were letting me go because I wasn’t performing well, I had to go off the meds. I needed a break.
How’s the break going?
Well, I’m currently trying to convince myself that drinking sniper isn’t such a bad thing to do.
So how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
A 6 or 7. I currently have good sex with a lot of people, but I want a partner or my own. I just want a partner who knows how to give painful pleasure and isn’t a complete asshole.