The UK holds its 245th annual hearing on July 4

By G-Had

LONDON – The United Kingdom’s Parliament today officially opened its 245th annual series of hearings into what it described as the “unprovoked insurrection” which took place in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on July 4, 1776 .

“This House will hear of plots to commit a seditious plot on the Fourth of July, to overthrow His Majesty’s Government in the American Colonies,” Labor Party leader Keir Starmer said in his opening address.These were deliberate acts in violation of the Treason Act of 1766 and were committed in state houses, taverns, plantations and on the high seas.”

He then issued a statement praising the “thin red line” of British soldiers who spent the next five years trying unsuccessfully to restore order.

Starmer was referring to an incident in 1776, sparked when a drunken mob calling itself “The Second Continental Congress” occupied the Pennsylvania State House while waving tiki torches and shouting “Deprive her of liberty!”

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They then passed a series of resolutions citing both natural law and multiple posts on 4chan to declare independence, followed by an immediate investigation into whether King George III was running a pedophilia ring in a London pizzeria.

Earlier investigations have highlighted the role of Thomas Jefferson, usually depicted shirtless and wearing his ceremonial buffalo horns with red, white and blue makeup, signing the document before declaring the day a victory over what he called “the Satan-worshipping paedophile cannibals” who control the British monarchy and “the Whig-tards” in Parliament.

The parliamentarians suggested the insurrection had been planned, referring to a June 29 pamphlet by Virginia agitator Patrick Henry that read, “Major demonstration in Philadelphia on July 4th. Be there, will be wild!“Henry had previously been banned from various town squares after spreading rumors that the King would send an army to the colonies, consisting of Hessian mercenaries, the Rothschild family and MS-13.

At this year’s hearing, the Committee promised new evidence linking Congress to the Sons of Liberty, a wyte Supremacist group which had itself previously been investigated by the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Select Committee for widespread dumping of tea without a permit.

The July 4 committee also promised an expanded view of Benjamin “Boogaloo” Franklin, the shirt-wearing Hawaiian extremist who was already a suspect in a series of pipe and letter bombings against Crown officials.

The Speaker of Parliament has previously said he is unsure whether the committee can take formal criminal proceedings because of the passage of time, but suspects the men’s descendants could face a £15 fine and lose the access to the National Health Service.

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