Unlock Your Privacy: Create Parallel Life

Q. I am gay but I got married six months ago because of family pressure. I am not attracted to my wife, even though we are having a baby. I feel trapped but I want this marriage to work for the good of my family. Please help.

Responnse : Your marriage can work even if you feel trapped. Many people give up their freedom and happiness to live according to what society has set for them. They survive. Many people live in sexless marriages. They also survive.

Usually this is done by creating a life outside of their marital home. It’s an old story, and you won’t be the first or the last queer person to marry and lead a parallel life. You will also need it to stay sane. In the long run, you will need the space, time, and people to explore this part of who you are. Will this affect your marriage? No, if you behave responsibly, use protections, screen regularly, manage your time, express appreciation and care for your wife, and take support in regulating negative emotions such as guilt and shame. Is it ethical? Not in a conventional way.

Moral principles are usually set by a society we live in, and your current society does not leave much room for freedom of choice and expression of individual identity. The society you live in values ​​maintaining the status quo more than authenticity. He places harmony above honesty and family honor above personal happiness. Other cultures may argue that these are unethical choices. I can’t please everyone. Right now your family is happy and you are not, but that could change.

You might decide at some point that you don’t want to hide this part of yourself anymore and go out with your wife. She won’t be happy but you will be a little relieved. It would surely be good if he were offered the right to choose to marry a homosexual.

Currently, your silence takes it away right away, as do the unspoken social rules you follow. Weddings can work despite the challenges, as marriages can be of many types. These can be open relationships, financial deals, sexual exchanges, friendships, childbearing grounds, business alliances, spiritual alliances, etc. You need to decide what yours will be, ideally with all members involved.

The writer is an intimacy and relationship coach, founder of The Intimacy Curator, an organization promoting self-discovery through emotional and sexual well-being (www.theintimacycurator.com). (Have a question? Send it to [email protected])

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Posted on: Sunday January 09th, 2022 08:36 IST

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